"well its all so overrated in not saying how you feel,
so you end up watching chances fade, and wondering what's real."
reading old aim logs make me sad. its funny how you can tell how much has changed just by reading through them, seeing who you used to and who you now talk to most. every day. its even funnier how daily conversations shift from one person to another in a blink of an eye. its as if you wake up one morning, and the person you always say good morning and good night to isn't there anymore. its as if the other person has disappeared, and all that's left are sparse "hey, what's up. nothing much. oh i see." conversations.
i hate it.
it's as if the person has taken a part of your secret, a part which you two have shared and run off with it.
hey, that's not fair.
i miss the random good mornings and good nights from people. i miss the late night conversations i had with them. i love the daily conversations i have with others now. but i still miss the old.
i was reading through my old ones with whatshisface. i've never realized. how many chances and opportunities i've had to tell him. but tell him what? that i like him? then what. we'll date, live happily ever, break up, bye bye? or even worse -- "i really like you...as a friend." ow.
once in a while, i'd wonder, was it all in my head? did i make it all fairy tale-like? did i imagine it all? did i make it seem as if it was true, as if i had a chance? and then i read my conversations with him back in the days and nights. and it was all there. it was real. unless my eyes are betraying me. it was like a damn roller coaster, though! i hated it. but why why why whya;ldkfjas;lfkjaf. i wanted something i couldn't have. but whyyyyyy. it's not fair how i'm like this! call me stupid. because i am. my memories make me want to smile and cry at the same time. haha, am i sounding emo? because i'm really not.
then i read others' conversations. oh, how we all had something in common! we all pined after someone we couldn't have. what happens when two people have the same problem? they tell and they share and they yell and they get depressed and they take turns crying to each other. what happens when one finds a distraction, another happiness that replaces that problem? they take all their problems, push them aside, and run off with their sunshine. what happens to the one who's still stuck in her own little world? who knows. doesnt matter. i'm happy, so she must be happy. that's how it goes. that's how it always goes. it shouldn't be that way, but i guess it is.
another thing. looking back on all the guys i've liked, man oh man. please, somebody knock some sense into me and tell me i'm liking the wrong guys. at this rate, i'll never find a guy. why can't i go for the sweet & nice ones? i'm sorry. i'm sorry if i ever "led" you on at some point. i'm sorry. i do. i do like nice guys. but they make me suspicious. they make me wonder why they're so nice. are they nice like that to every girl? probably. are they being nice to all the girls, and whoever looks their way, that's who they'll settle for? most likely. i don't like that. i want my own. i want a guy who likes me for me, not because i'm a girl. not because i'm nice back to them. not because they think they have a chance with me, as oppose to the other girls they couldn't have before.
i want to make the most of senior year. i just wish..SOME things were back to how they were.
as i make new friends, i lose the old. i hate it. a;ldkfjaldkfjakl
i'm not sad or anything. okay, maybe just a tiny bit! but. i'm also happy -- just thinking back on the days, remembering all the happy memories back then and all the happy moments now. (:
anyways, that's enough. i'm done.
it's 11:11 pm. make a wish! ~ (:
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so, it's 4:25 a.m.
i'm actually wide awake, believe it or not. just sponteneously shuffling through my old blogs, beginning with year 2004. three years ago. for those three years, it's amazing how i wrote and wrote--did a pretty good job of keeping up with the up-to-date business too, actually. it's interesting looking back now on what i wrote. there were some posts that made me laugh, a few that made me sad, many that made me feel fuzzy inside, and almost all that made me think, gawd whwat was i thinking. i miss writing in my blogs. now, this blog is spammed with a crapload of pictures. but then again, people say that a picture is worth a thousand words, yeah? ;) oy, reading old blogs make me feel so nostalgia. maybe i should start writing again. i always felt my passion was to write. people tell me that i'm a good writer, but i think otherwise. all i write is nonsense. good writers have a point--what they write makes readers reflect and say, hey, she's got an interesting point there. i don't have the ability to do that, though i wish i did. whatevers. but it's still nice to read the old blogs again--it's as if i'm prying into the mind of a sixteen years old sophmore from Garden Grove High. my blog posts seem to have shifted throughout the years. maybe i should write in here more often. that way, as a graduating 4th year, perhaps 5th year, i can look back and compare my college experience with my highschool experience. whoa, there would would be/ was/ is/ and will be such a dramatic jump in changes. hehe.
i guess that's what private blogs are for, no? (:
goodnight.
